I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
