Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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