i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
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