I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
