Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
