I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
