ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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