you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
