oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just pee around me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
