I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize