I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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