HIV tests are more positive than that guy
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
