the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
