I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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