Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
