Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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