There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I am spending my child support on dildos
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
