I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
