I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
