I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
