Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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