all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
