my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
