my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
