either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize