So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
