I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize