i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I love you. Go after that dick
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
