i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
