Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
