mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
