So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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