Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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