Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
