no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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