I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I want to walk on stilts...naked
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
