So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
