I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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