I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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