My liver just broke up with me...
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There's always time for handjobs
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize