I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
