I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
