She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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