Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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