My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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