Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
