I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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