There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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