He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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