I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
