the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
