Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize