Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
