Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize