OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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