dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
