Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
high people should be assigned attendants
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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