i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
