... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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